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- Q. Why do men
become smarter during sex?
A. Because they are plugged into a genius.
- Q. Why don't
women blink during foreplay?
A.They don't have enough time)
- Q. Why does
it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one
A. Because not one will stop and ask
- Q. Why do men
snore when they lie on their backs?
A. Because their balls fall over their butts and
they vapor lock.
- Q. Why were
men given larger brains than dogs?
A. So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail
- Q. Why did
God make men before women?
A. You need a rough draft before you make a
- Q. How many
men does it take to put a toilet seat down?
A. Don't know...... it never happened.
- Q. Why did
God put men on earth?
A. Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
- Q. What
should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling
around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.
- Q. How can
you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in
between his neck and the noose.
- Q. Why do
little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.
- Q. How many
men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. (Ver 1) One - he just holds it up there and
waits for the world to revolve around him.
A. (Ver 2) Three - one to screw in the bulb, and
two to listen to him brag about the screwing
- Q. What do
you call a handcuffed man?
- Q. What does
it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for
breath and calling your name?
- A. You didn't
hold the pillow down long enough.
- Q: Why do men
whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they
need to wipe.
- Q: What is
the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every
need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one
- Q: How do you
keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder: "Instruction
- Subject: The
Shortest Fairy Tale . . . . .
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you
marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" And the guy
lived happily ever after and went fishing,
hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer
whenever he wanted.
- Q. How many
men does it take to open a beer?
A. None. It should be opened by the time she
- Q. Why is a
Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a
A. Because a woman who can't even afford a
washing machine will probably never be able to
- Q. Why do
women have smaller feet than men?
A. It's one of those "evolutionary things" that
allows them to stand closer to the kitchen
- Q. How do you
know when a woman is about to say something
A. When she starts her sentence with "A man once
- Q. How do you
fix a woman's watch?
A. You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
- Q. Why do men
break wind more than women?
A. Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
- Q. If your
dog is barking at the back door and your wife is
yelling at the front door, who do you let in
A. The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you
let him in.
- Q. What's
worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A. A woman who won't do what she's told.
- Q. Why do men
die before their wives?
A. They want to.
- Young Son:
"Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of
Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
- I married
Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name
- I haven't
spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to
have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's
sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding
- Marriage is a
3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring,
- Our last
fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on
the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
- In the
beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested. Then God
created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man
- A man
inserted an advertisement in the classified:
Wife Wanted. The next day he received a hundred
letters. They all said the same thing: "You can
- The most
effective way to remember your wife's birthday
is to forget it once.
- Women will
never be equal to men until they can walk down
the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are beautiful.
- Now that food
has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get
into my own pants.
changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a
- I saw a woman
wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I
said, "Implants?" She hit me.
- I don't do
drugs. I get the same effect just standing up
- Sign in a
Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one
- I got a
sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a
screamer or a moaner.
- There are two
sides to every divorce: Yours and shit
- I love being
married. It's so great to find that one special
person you want to annoy for the rest of your
- I am a
nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am
- Everyday I
beat my own previous record for number of
consecutive days I've stayed alive.
- Why is it
that most nudists are people you don't want to
- It's Huge!
to her new gynecologist for her first exam. The
doctor got her in the stirrups and spread her
legs. Then the doctor said, "Oh My God!!! In my
all of my career, I have never seen such a huge
vagina!! ...huge vagina!!"
"Doctor, I know it and I'm very self-conscious
about it. You didn't have to repeat yourself."
replied, "I didn't. It was an echo!"
Three dogs are
sitting in the waiting room of a vet's office.
One is a Poodle, one is a Schnauzer and the
other is a Great Dane. The Poodle turns to the
Schnauzer and asks, "Why are you here?" The
Schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't
see or hear very well. I've been having
accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too
old and sick so he brought me here to be put to
asks the poodle, "Why are you here?" The Poodle
responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've
been especially high strung. I've been barking
all the time, I've been snapping at people and I
even bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody
knows why this has been happening. My owner says
he can't risk me biting somebody else so he
brought me here to be put to sleep."
The Poodle and
Schnauzer ask the Great Dane why he is here. The
Great Dane responds, "My owner is this beautiful
runway model. Yesterday she was walking around
the house naked when she suddenly bent down to
pick up something she dropped. She was bent over
and naked when nature took over and the next
thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie
thing. I couldn't help myself." The Poodle asks,
"So your owner brought you here to be put to
sleep?" The Great Dane says, "No, I'm just here
to get my nails trimmed."
- The Cowboy
and The Rattlesnake
It was spring
in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow
choked trails looking for cattle that survived
the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around
the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake
warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse
reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot
the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the
snake, "don't shoot- I'm an enchanted
rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll
give you any three wishes you want."
decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely
out of the snake s striking range. He said, "OK,
first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable,
then, I'd like a build like Arnold
Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual
equipment like this here horse I'm riding." The
rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back
to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."
turned his horse around and galloped at full
speed all the way to the bunk house. He
dismounted on the run and went straight inside
to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror
was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt
off his back and revealed bulging, rippling
muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really
excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at
his crotch and shouted "Oh My God... I was
riding the MARE!
- Male bats
have the highest rate of homosexuality of any
group of mammals that exist- especially fruit
- Lions will
have sex about 500 times with one mate. This is
to ensure fertilization. (any excuse)
- In Texas it
is illegal to have sex with a fish, in Florida
it is illegal to get a fish drunk, and N.
Carolina thought both laws were good, so there
it is illegal to have sex with a drunk fish.
- Sperm Whales
are sexually mature at birth.
- In Argentina,
it is rumoured that eating cats is good for your
health and stimulates sexual potency.
- You can tell
a turtle's sex by its sound. Males grunt,
females hiss. (Only natural)
- Human birth
control pills work on gorillas.
- The eagle has
sex while going up to 60 mph. in flight, and it
is common for both eagles to hit the ground
before they finish. (out with a bang)
- Apart from
humans, certain species of chimpanzee are the
only animals to experiment sexually. They have
been known to 'wife swap' and indulge in group
sex. (brings a whole new meaning to monkeying
- According to
Dr. David Gems, a British geneticist, sex-craved
male mice, who spend 5 to 11 hours per day
pursuing female mice, could live years longer if
they abstained. ( tell that to Bill Clinton)
- In the past
60 years, the groundhog has only predicted the
weather correctly 28% of the time. The rushing
back and forth from burrows is believed to
indicate sexual activity, not shadow
- A certain
musical note can sexually excite cats -- the
same note when played for kittens makes them
want to go to the bathroom.
disconnected, the sex organs (or gonads) of an
armadillo are still active.
- The ten-inch
Banana Slugs of the Northwest end their 30 hour
hermaphroditic mating session by chewing off
each other's male sex organs. (Banana
perform a sex act that lasts only 2 seconds.
(some women have met a man like this)
- The largest
living animal, the blue whale, naturally enough
also has the largest penis, measuring
approximately 10 feet long and 1 foot in
diameter. It's cousin, the sperm whale, gets as
big as 9 feet. And yes, the sperm whale is so
named because early sailors thought those
gallons of white, gooey oil found in its head
was indeed sperm. (met one or two sperm
- Long a symbol
of sexual potency, the rhinoceros can ejaculate
ten times or more during his half hour session
with a female. They also have penises that are 2
feet long. (what did you expect with a horn like
barnacles can't move, they still mate via an
extraordinarily long penis (150% their body
length) that reaches over and into the female's
chimpanzees have been observed masturbating with
their fingers, twigs and a water faucet. (stay
of the water)
- A drone
honeybee will wait his whole life for one chance
to mate with a queen. As soon as the queen opens
her sting chamber to receive him, he explodes,
his genitals bursting forth like a detonating
grenade. Plugged, the queen flies away, leaving
the drone to fall to the ground dead and
eviscerated, albeit with a smile on his
- Fleas are
known to engage in sex immediately after
feasting on rabbit's blood specifically if the
opportunity presents itself. (Who finds out
penises are only a third of that of an average
- Humans aren't
the only female animals that can experience
orgasm; some rabbits and ferrets do as well.
(how do they find this out)
- A whale's
penis is called a dork, which incidentally, is
where we get the derogatory slang.
have been known to engage in group sex. (they do
it on porpoise)
- Pigs do
indeed have a corkscrew-shaped penis. When
engaged in sex, the male's penis will make
semi-rotary actions until it becomes firmly
secured in the folds of the female's cervix at
which point the male ejaculates, a process which
in itself takes as long as 30 minutes. (is why
they call it a screw)
baboons have been known to engage in a primitive
form of prostitution by stealing food during
sex. (Are they sure its not boredom?)
- The average
mink sexual encounter lasts for several hours
(how do you think they get their coats so
- 22.75 hours
is the current record for the longest
rattlesnake mating session. (and who timed this
- The female
bedbug is born without any external sex organs.
So the male bedbug has to drill his pointed
penis to drill a hole into her partner's gut and
deposit his sperm into her bloodstream. During
long spells without access to human blood, the
female's been known to dine on her male
partner's semen. (go on drill her)
monkeys usually say hello by showing each other
- Perhaps the
originator of the "quickie," a baboon engages in
a typical sex session that lasts all of 15
SEX - The benefits.
this one will frighten you into sending it on -
even if you are not superstitious!
Did you know
that you can tell from the skin whether a person
is sexually active or not?
1. Sex is a
beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that
when woman make love they produce amounts of the
hormone estrogen, which make hair shiny and skin
relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of
suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes.
The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes
your skin glow.
can burn up those calories you piled on during
that romantic dinner.
4. Sex is one
of the safest sports you can take up. It
stretches and tones up just about every muscle
in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming
20 laps, and you don't need special
5. Sex is an
instant cure for mild depression. It releases
the chemical endorphin into the bloodstream,
producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you
with a feeling of well-being.
6. The more
sex you have, the more you will be offered. The
sexually active body gives off greater
quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These
subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex
7. Sex is the
safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES
MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing
encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth
and lowers the level of the acid that causes
decay, preventing plaque
actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking
session can release the tension that restricts
blood vessels in the brain.
10. A lot of
lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a
natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma
and hay fever.
has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The
original is in a room in Malaise. It has been
sent around the world nine times. Now sex
has been sent to you. The "Hot Sex Fairy" will
visit you within four days of receiving this
message, provided you, in turn, send it on.
If you don't
then you will never receive good sex again for
the rest of your life. You will eventually
become celibate, and your genitals will rot and
fall off. This is no joke! Send copies to people
you think need sex (who doesn't?) Don't send
money, as the fate of your genitals has no
This page modified 9/7/2005