Humor

A. Man Jokes Q. Why do men become smarter during sex? A. Because they are plugged into a genius.   Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay? A.They don't have enough time) Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg? A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.   Q. Why do men snore when they lie on their backs? A. Because their balls fall over their butts and they vapor lock. Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs? A. So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.   Q. Why did God make men before women? A. You need a rough draft before you make a final copy.   Q. How many men does it take to put a toilet seat down? A. Don't know...... it never happened.   Q. Why did God put men on earth? A. Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn. Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground? A. Shoot him again. Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung? A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose. Q. Why do little boys whine? A. Because they're practicing to be men. Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. (Ver 1) One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. A. (Ver 2) Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part. Q. What do you call a handcuffed man? A. Trustworthy. Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough. Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe. Q: What is the difference between men and women? A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need. Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder: "Instruction Manuals" B. Woman Jokes Subject: The Shortest Fairy Tale . . . . . Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer whenever he wanted. Q. How many men does it take to open a beer? A. None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.   Q. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? A. Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.   Q. Why do women have smaller feet than men? A. It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.   Q. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? A. When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..." Q. How do you fix a woman's watch? A. You don't. There is a clock on the oven.   Q. Why do men break wind more than women? A. Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. Q. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? A. The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. Q. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A. A woman who won't do what she's told.   Q. Why do men die before their wives? A. They want to.   Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son."   I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.   I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.   Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.   Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, SuffeRing. Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"   In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.  A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: Wife Wanted. The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful. C. Reflection Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said, "Implants?" She hit me. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..." I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shit head's. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? D. Stories It's Huge! It's Huge! Margaret went to her new gynecologist for her first exam. The doctor got her in the stirrups and spread her legs. Then the doctor said, "Oh My God!!! In my all of my career, I have never seen such a huge vagina!! ...huge vagina!!" She said, "Doctor, I know it and I'm very self-conscious about it. You didn't have to repeat yourself." The doctor replied, "I didn't. It was an echo!" Three Dogs Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vet's office. One is a Poodle, one is a Schnauzer and the other is a Great Dane. The Poodle turns to the Schnauzer and asks, "Why are you here?" The Schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well. I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep." The Schnauzer asks the poodle, "Why are you here?" The Poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high strung. I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep." The Poodle and Schnauzer ask the Great Dane why he is here. The Great Dane responds, "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn't help myself." The Poodle asks, "So your owner brought you here to be put to sleep?" The Great Dane says, "No, I'm just here to get my nails trimmed." The Cowboy and The Rattlesnake It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want." The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake s striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding." The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes." The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted "Oh My God... I was riding the MARE! E. Educational Sex Facts Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality of any group of mammals that exist- especially fruit bats. (batty) Lions will have sex about 500 times with one mate. This is to ensure fertilization. (any excuse) In Texas it is illegal to have sex with a fish, in Florida it is illegal to get a fish drunk, and N. Carolina thought both laws were good, so there it is illegal to have sex with a drunk fish. Sperm Whales are sexually mature at birth. In Argentina, it is rumoured that eating cats is good for your health and stimulates sexual potency. You can tell a turtle's sex by its sound. Males grunt, females hiss. (Only natural) Human birth control pills work on gorillas. The eagle has sex while going up to 60 mph. in flight, and it is common for both eagles to hit the ground before they finish. (out with a bang) Apart from humans, certain species of chimpanzee are the only animals to experiment sexually. They have been known to 'wife swap' and indulge in group sex. (brings a whole new meaning to monkeying around) According to Dr. David Gems, a British geneticist, sex-craved male mice, who spend 5 to 11 hours per day pursuing female mice, could live years longer if they abstained. ( tell that to Bill Clinton) In the past 60 years, the groundhog has only predicted the weather correctly 28% of the time. The rushing back and forth from burrows is believed to indicate sexual activity, not shadow seeking. A certain musical note can sexually excite cats -- the same note when played for kittens makes them want to go to the bathroom. If disconnected, the sex organs (or gonads) of an armadillo are still active. The ten-inch Banana Slugs of the Northwest end their 30 hour hermaphroditic mating session by chewing off each other's male sex organs. (Banana Bobbit) Mosquitoes perform a sex act that lasts only 2 seconds. (some women have met a man like this) The largest living animal, the blue whale, naturally enough also has the largest penis, measuring approximately 10 feet long and 1 foot in diameter. It's cousin, the sperm whale, gets as big as 9 feet. And yes, the sperm whale is so named because early sailors thought those gallons of white, gooey oil found in its head was indeed sperm. (met one or two sperm women) Long a symbol of sexual potency, the rhinoceros can ejaculate ten times or more during his half hour session with a female. They also have penises that are 2 feet long. (what did you expect with a horn like that?) Though barnacles can't move, they still mate via an extraordinarily long penis (150% their body length) that reaches over and into the female's mantle cavity. Female chimpanzees have been observed masturbating with their fingers, twigs and a water faucet. (stay of the water) A drone honeybee will wait his whole life for one chance to mate with a queen. As soon as the queen opens her sting chamber to receive him, he explodes, his genitals bursting forth like a detonating grenade. Plugged, the queen flies away, leaving the drone to fall to the ground dead and eviscerated, albeit with a smile on his face. Fleas are known to engage in sex immediately after feasting on rabbit's blood specifically if the opportunity presents itself. (Who finds out these things?) Gorilla penises are only a third of that of an average man's. Humans aren't the only female animals that can experience orgasm; some rabbits and ferrets do as well. (how do they find this out) A whale's penis is called a dork, which incidentally, is where we get the derogatory slang. Porpoises have been known to engage in group sex. (they do it on porpoise) Pigs do indeed have a corkscrew-shaped penis. When engaged in sex, the male's penis will make semi-rotary actions until it becomes firmly secured in the folds of the female's cervix at which point the male ejaculates, a process which in itself takes as long as 30 minutes. (is why they call it a screw) Female baboons have been known to engage in a primitive form of prostitution by stealing food during sex. (Are they sure its not boredom?) The average mink sexual encounter lasts for several hours (how do you think they get their coats so shiny?) 22.75 hours is the current record for the longest rattlesnake mating session. (and who timed this event?) The female bedbug is born without any external sex organs. So the male bedbug has to drill his pointed penis to drill a hole into her partner's gut and deposit his sperm into her bloodstream. During long spells without access to human blood, the female's been known to dine on her male partner's semen. (go on drill her) Capuchin monkeys usually say hello by showing each other their erections. Perhaps the originator of the "quickie," a baboon engages in a typical sex session that lasts all of 15 seconds.

This page modified 9/7/2005